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-   -   Heard any good jokes lately? (http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showthread.php?t=35768)

I_actuate™ 08-24-2004 02:04 PM

Heard any good jokes lately?
 
Please share.

Maxprime 08-24-2004 02:19 PM

A guy walked into a bar and said ouch.

asdfasdf 08-24-2004 02:21 PM

So these two termites walk into a bar, and they ask wheres the bartender?

(In the middle of a music video I'd seen many times, just recently paid attention to that part and it still cracks me up)

Also, a bear walks into a bar, the bartender asks him what he want, the bear replies . . . . .. . . . . ....................
....................... ...............................................
......... ........................
............... .................................................. ....
... .......................................... . . . . . . . . ., a Bud. Then the bartender asks, what's with the big pause?

Uncle Billy 08-24-2004 02:24 PM

The Pope, the Dhali Lama, Bill Gates and a backpacker are on a private plane. The pilot comes running out of the cockpit and says, "I'm afraid the plane is going down, there are 4 parachutes, good luck everyone". He then jumps out of the plane with one of the parachutes. The Pope says, "The world needs a moral leader, I must survive this crash". He jumps out with another chute. There are now only 2 left. Bill Gates says "Well I am the world's smartest man, I must also survive", so he jumps out. The Dhali Lama says to the backpacker "I have reached enlightenment, and have had a fufilling life, you may take the last parachute". The backpacker replies "Thanks, but the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack, there are still 2 left"

Westley 08-24-2004 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imedimed
So these two termites walk into a bar, and they ask wheres the bartender?

(15 minutes later) Oh! I got it!

Jables 08-24-2004 02:30 PM

John Kerry walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Tyger 08-24-2004 02:37 PM

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive."

Samir 08-24-2004 02:41 PM

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO".

Uncle Billy 08-24-2004 03:06 PM

An manager at a mid-sized firm, faced with budget cuts is forced to lay off an employee. He must lay off either Jack or Jill, however both are excellent employees and he cannot make a decision. He decides that whoever shows up earliest for work that day will get to keep their job. He waits by the entrance and is disappointed to see them both walk in together, at the same time that morning. He then decides to watch them at lunch, and whoever takes the longer lunch break will lose their position. At lunch he watches them both leave at 12 and return precisely at 1, again at the same time. This bothers him for the rest of the afternoon and he is unsure of what to do. At about 5 o'clock he sees Jill leaving for the day and calls her into his office. "Jill, I'm having a difficult time making a decision, I can't decide if I should lay you, or Jack, off". Jill thinks for a moment then replies "Well, you better Jack off, I'm late for my bus".

ACCtuary 08-24-2004 03:23 PM

How many troops does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know: No one's ever tried.


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