Actuarial Outpost
 
Go Back   Actuarial Outpost > Cyberchat > Non-Actuarial Topics
FlashChat Actuarial Discussion Preliminary Exams CAS/SOA Exams Cyberchat Around the World Suggestions


Fill in a brief DW Simpson Registration Form
to be contacted when new jobs meet your criteria.


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #4481  
Old 09-27-2018, 03:41 PM
ShundayBloodyShunday's Avatar
ShundayBloodyShunday ShundayBloodyShunday is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2,920
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Wizard of Awe View Post
I donít think that barber will stay in business long if heís only giving one haircut a day.
He's only giving one free haircut a day.

The remaining politicians will just pass the buck on to the taxpayers. Barber makes out like a bandit giving $400/haircut to those schmucks.
Reply With Quote
  #4482  
Old 09-27-2018, 03:56 PM
Chief Petosky's Avatar
Chief Petosky Chief Petosky is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Location: Location
Favorite beer: BBC Bourbon Stout
Posts: 20,971
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElDucky View Post
Pole tampering.
nice
__________________
You move me, you move me, With your buildings and your eyes; autumn woods and winter skies
You move me, you move me. Open sea and city lights, busy streets and dizzy heights
Reply With Quote
  #4483  
Old 10-28-2018, 05:04 PM
llcooljabe's Avatar
llcooljabe llcooljabe is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 23,716
Default

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
__________________
www.GoodNewsNow.info
Propoganda
Reply With Quote
  #4484  
Old 10-28-2018, 07:04 PM
guest
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

kind of original. copy/paste?
Reply With Quote
  #4485  
Old 10-28-2018, 07:13 PM
llcooljabe's Avatar
llcooljabe llcooljabe is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 23,716
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by secondlife View Post
kind of original. copy/paste?
via reddit
__________________
www.GoodNewsNow.info
Propoganda
Reply With Quote
  #4486  
Old 10-28-2018, 11:43 PM
hostess's Avatar
hostess hostess is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 828
Default

Disclaimer: Long but worthless

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

Last edited by hostess; 10-29-2018 at 12:11 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #4487  
Old 10-29-2018, 09:26 AM
Entropy Entropy is offline
Member
SOA
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Earth...ish
Favorite beer: The Meddler
Posts: 9,959
Default

Booo
__________________
Spoiler:

Quote:
Originally Posted by QMO View Post
I'll tell you straight up that I think my religion is better than yours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scars View Post
Outside the context of my faith, I am not intolerant of you ... If anything here, you're being a bit of a bigot towards me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Descalzo View Post
I thought that's what I was saying, exactly. One day I (or people like me) will be thought of exactly as you and I think of racists in the deep south.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ginormous76 View Post
I put the whole cob in my mouth and suck the kernels right off in one swift motion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gentle Giant View Post
What 6-year-old boy didn't occasionally stick his junk between his legs during bathtime just to say, "Look, Mommy, I'm a girl!" as a joke?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boba Fett Cake Pan View Post
I can see having a discussion about magic potions vs. pharmaceuticals in a chemistry class. I think that's a good idea.
Reply With Quote
  #4488  
Old 10-29-2018, 09:35 AM
yoyo's Avatar
yoyo yoyo is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 24,870
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by hostess View Post
Disclaimer: Long but worth.
liar
Reply With Quote
  #4489  
Old 10-29-2018, 09:37 AM
JollyGoodFCAS's Avatar
JollyGoodFCAS JollyGoodFCAS is offline
Member
CAS AAA
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Earth (most of the time)
Favorite beer: Beer-Sheva
Posts: 39,236
Default

That joke was so terrible, I feel crestfallen that I even read it.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by lit041000 View Post
FCAS is the yoda of puns. He sprinkles little treasures when the pun gods smile upon us
Reply With Quote
  #4490  
Old 10-29-2018, 10:04 AM
OddSox OddSox is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Studying for Jazz Piano
Favorite beer: Founders Dirty Bastard
Posts: 12,106
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JollyGoodFCAS View Post
That joke was so terrible, I feel crestfallen that I even read it.
he said the joke would have me rolling on the floor; I'd beg to differ.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
*PLEASE NOTE: Posts are not checked for accuracy, and do not
represent the views of the Actuarial Outpost or its sponsors.
Page generated in 0.35363 seconds with 10 queries