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Old 08-24-2004, 02:04 PM
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I_actuate™ I_actuate™ is offline
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Default Heard any good jokes lately?

Please share.
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:19 PM
Maxprime Maxprime is offline
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Location: Liar's Poker HQ
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A guy walked into a bar and said ouch.
"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty or Safety."

"Women are so lucky. They never have to worry about getting a guy pregnant." - Rawl316

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Old 08-24-2004, 02:21 PM
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asdfasdf asdfasdf is offline
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So these two termites walk into a bar, and they ask wheres the bartender?

(In the middle of a music video I'd seen many times, just recently paid attention to that part and it still cracks me up)

Also, a bear walks into a bar, the bartender asks him what he want, the bear replies . . . . .. . . . . ....................
....................... ...............................................
......... ........................
............... .................................................. ....
... .......................................... . . . . . . . . ., a Bud. Then the bartender asks, what's with the big pause?
Your own conciousness blinds you to the true existence of all things external to it.
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:24 PM
Uncle Billy Uncle Billy is offline
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Posts: 1,996

The Pope, the Dhali Lama, Bill Gates and a backpacker are on a private plane. The pilot comes running out of the cockpit and says, "I'm afraid the plane is going down, there are 4 parachutes, good luck everyone". He then jumps out of the plane with one of the parachutes. The Pope says, "The world needs a moral leader, I must survive this crash". He jumps out with another chute. There are now only 2 left. Bill Gates says "Well I am the world's smartest man, I must also survive", so he jumps out. The Dhali Lama says to the backpacker "I have reached enlightenment, and have had a fufilling life, you may take the last parachute". The backpacker replies "Thanks, but the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack, there are still 2 left"
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:26 PM
Westley Westley is offline
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Posts: 30,557

Originally Posted by imedimed
So these two termites walk into a bar, and they ask wheres the bartender?
(15 minutes later) Oh! I got it!
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:30 PM
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Jables Jables is offline
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Location: AO Retirement Home
Studying for kitchen utensilry degree
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Favorite beer: Sam Adams, Dos Equis, Arrogant Hagbard, Clydesdale Juice
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John Kerry walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
ಠ_ -- JB is watching you... ................"Don't let 'em talk bad about you!"
Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this post in no way endorses a belief in the occult.
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:37 PM
Tyger Tyger is offline
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive."
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:41 PM
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Samir Samir is offline
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Posts: 2,069

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO".
"What if we are still doing this same job when we are fifty?"
" Well, it's nice to have that kind of job security."
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Old 08-24-2004, 03:06 PM
Uncle Billy Uncle Billy is offline
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An manager at a mid-sized firm, faced with budget cuts is forced to lay off an employee. He must lay off either Jack or Jill, however both are excellent employees and he cannot make a decision. He decides that whoever shows up earliest for work that day will get to keep their job. He waits by the entrance and is disappointed to see them both walk in together, at the same time that morning. He then decides to watch them at lunch, and whoever takes the longer lunch break will lose their position. At lunch he watches them both leave at 12 and return precisely at 1, again at the same time. This bothers him for the rest of the afternoon and he is unsure of what to do. At about 5 o'clock he sees Jill leaving for the day and calls her into his office. "Jill, I'm having a difficult time making a decision, I can't decide if I should lay you, or Jack, off". Jill thinks for a moment then replies "Well, you better Jack off, I'm late for my bus".
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Old 08-24-2004, 03:23 PM
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ACCtuary ACCtuary is offline
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How many troops does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know: No one's ever tried.
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Markov Chains excite me.
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