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  #3391  
Old 12-16-2014, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Fallon
Over the weekend the co-chair of Sony Entertainment broke her silence about the recent hacking scandal to apologize for some offensive emails she sent about President Obama. In response, Obama said, “Don't worry. I secretly read those emails months ago."
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  #3392  
Old 12-17-2014, 01:44 AM
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A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.

He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him, "Well, that's the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!"

The salesman continue to prod the farmer about the pig's wooden legs. "Well," the farmer replied, "this pig is just like one of the family. He's a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He's one really great pig!"

The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied, "Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!"

Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, "All right already, That's enough! He's a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!"

To which the farmer replied, "Well now, a great pig like that - you don't eat him all at once!"
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  #3393  
Old 12-17-2014, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Seth Myers
President Vladimir Putin has been named Russia’s man of the year. Second place went to “Or else.”

This week Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her third child. So she now holds the record for the most times a Kardashian has experienced labor.
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  #3394  
Old 12-23-2014, 01:05 AM
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Default A couple stolen from the usual spot...

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
___

A man takes the day off work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it right into the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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  #3395  
Old 12-23-2014, 02:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Len Myers View Post
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, ...
I hate to be a wet-blanket stickler, but making a bet on one of 38 numbers coming up is hardly what I'd call "a million-to-one shot".
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  #3396  
Old 12-23-2014, 05:07 AM
Don Quijote Don Quijote is offline
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I hate to be a wet-blanket stickler, but making a bet on one of 38 numbers coming up is hardly what I'd call "a million-to-one shot".
innumeracy thread, clearly.
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  #3397  
Old 12-23-2014, 05:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr. B View Post
I hate to be a wet-blanket stickler, but making a bet on one of 38 numbers coming up is hardly what I'd call "a million-to-one shot".
Uh, huh!
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"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good, is boring, real good is always new, marvellous, intoxicating." -- Simone Weil
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  #3398  
Old 12-23-2014, 08:16 AM
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What's the difference between an outlaw and a mother-in-law?

Spoiler:
Outlaws are wanted.
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  #3399  
Old 12-23-2014, 08:32 AM
TaylorMR TaylorMR is offline
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Originally Posted by BG5150 View Post
What's the difference between an outlaw and a mother-in-law?

Spoiler:
Outlaws are wanted.
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  #3400  
Old 12-23-2014, 10:18 AM
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Vorian Atreides Vorian Atreides is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BG5150 View Post
What's the difference between an outlaw and a mother-in-law?

Spoiler:
Outlaws are wanted.
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