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  #3891  
Old 10-08-2015, 08:07 AM
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Chief Petosky Chief Petosky is online now
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You move me, you move me. Open sea and city lights, busy streets and dizzy heights
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  #3892  
Old 10-08-2015, 08:13 AM
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Vorian Atreides Vorian Atreides is offline
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I find your lack of faith disturbing

Why should I worry about dying? It’s not going to happen in my lifetime!


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  #3893  
Old 10-08-2015, 08:17 AM
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An Arkansas couple was out on the porch drinking beer one evening, when suddenly a spaceship landed. Two martians came out of the spaceship and after the shock, awe, and fear, the couples were laughing, having a great time, and sharing beers on the porch.

As the evening wound down, the idea came about that they should swap husbands for the evening. Everyone was excited and agreed that it would be fun.

So the Arkansas lady went up to the guest bedroom, and she and the martian both took their clothes off. The martian noticed that she was staring between his legs. He said "what's the matter?"

"It's really kind of short." The martian started twisting his left ear, and the lady noticed a change.

"Whoah there, that's plenty!"

But the martian could tell something wasn't quite right. So he asked "what's the matter?"

"Well, it's really skinny, can you do something about that?"

The martian twisted his right ear. And something started changing. "Whoah! That is plenty, stop right there."

So the evening passed, and the couple wished their friends a safe trip back to Mars. As they sat alone on the porch with their coffee, the husband said "Well honey, how was it?"

"I am not going to lie, I think that was the best I have ever had. How was yours?"

"Sugar, it was pretty good, but she just about twisted my ears off!"
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  #3894  
Old 10-09-2015, 09:23 PM
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Default Hey, it's what we do...

There are only two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data and
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"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good, is boring, real good is always new, marvellous, intoxicating." -- Simone Weil
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  #3895  
Old 10-10-2015, 09:19 AM
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A man is at the zoo looking at the apes, when one of the apes walks to the bars and says "excuse me sir, could you do me a favor?"

The man is startled. "You can talk?"

"Oh, yes, many of us can. Most choose not to, just because how people react?"

"Do you want me to get you out?"

"Oh.no. I am very happy here. It is spacious, my family is with me, many beautiful females and the food is good. I would never make it back where I came from or worse, in the city."

"So, what do you want?"

"I do get a bit bored sometimes and would like something to read. Can you come back tomorrow and bring me some books?"

"Of course. Anything particular?"

"Yes. I would like the Bible, particularly the Old Testament and Darwin's On The Origin Of The Species."

"Fascinating, why those?"

"Well, I am trying to determine whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother"
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  #3896  
Old 10-10-2015, 11:10 AM
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Nice!
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I find your lack of faith disturbing

Why should I worry about dying? It’s not going to happen in my lifetime!


Freedom of speech is not a license to discourtesy

#BLACKMATTERLIVES
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  #3897  
Old 10-14-2015, 02:47 PM
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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?
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  #3898  
Old 10-14-2015, 02:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Actuary321 View Post
I would really hate to bring Pokémon to a gun fight.
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  #3899  
Old 10-14-2015, 03:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DyalDragon View Post
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?
Could be in Political humor as well.
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  #3900  
Old 10-15-2015, 07:48 AM
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Why do dogs lick their balls?

'Cause they can.
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