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  #4331  
Old 08-09-2017, 10:48 PM
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room...

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The Englishman replies, "I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance."
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  #4332  
Old 08-10-2017, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by E. Blackadder View Post
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room...

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The Englishman replies, "I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance."
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  #4333  
Old 08-11-2017, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by BG5150 View Post
Ben Hogan, Jesus and an old guy are playing golf up in heaven one day. The first hole is a 550 yard par 5.

Ben Hogan steps up and whacks the ball 300 yards right down the middle of the fairway. Impressed with himself, he cedes the tee box to Jesus.

Jesus proceeds to pound the ball all the way to the green, rolling up about 3 feet onto the carpet.

Next up, the old man. After a few feeble practice swings, he's ready. Putting his whole body into it, he manages to hit a weak ground ball about 15 yards short of the Ladies' tees.

Then when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up the ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.

And just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and out over a pond next to the green. It its fright, the squirrel dropped the ball. As it happens, a frog was leaping to another lillypad just as the falling ball struck its head, propelling the ball toward the green. Now a big gust of wind blew the ball toward and into the hole!

Jesus says:
Spoiler:
(with an eyeroll) Nice shot, Dad.


alternate Jesus response:
Spoiler:
Stop showing off, Dad!
I liked the joke better when it was Moses, Jesus and the old guy, and Moses parted the water hazard, while Jesus' ball rolled across the water hazard, etc.
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  #4334  
Old 09-07-2017, 02:44 PM
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Default It's getting harder and harder to find new jokes. This anecdote tickled my funnybone

My psych professor told us about this patient. She was a woman in her late 40's, suffering from OCD and paranoia. Everyday while she drove to work, she would panic that she left her curling iron on, and it was going to burn her house down. So she would turn around, drive home, make sure it was unplugged, and then leave again.

But as time went on she started making multiple trips home, sometimes in the middle of the day, and she was about to lose her job over this. No therapy was working, her medications weren't working, coping techniques weren't working. Nothing could calm this woman.

Then she saw my professor. And my professor told her to
Spoiler:
bring her curling iron in the car with her.
Spoiler:
So if she got nervous that it was still plugged in, she could look over and see that it was next to her.
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  #4335  
Old 09-07-2017, 03:52 PM
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Still waiting for the punch line.
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  #4336  
Old 09-07-2017, 04:01 PM
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Still waiting for the punch line.
joke's on you imo
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  #4337  
Old 09-07-2017, 04:07 PM
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Do you even curl iron...
Spoiler:
bro?
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  #4338  
Old 09-07-2017, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by E. Blackadder View Post
My psych professor told us about this patient. She was a woman in her late 40's, suffering from OCD and paranoia. Everyday while she drove to work, she would panic that she left her curling iron on, and it was going to burn her house down. So she would turn around, drive home, make sure it was unplugged, and then leave again.

But as time went on she started making multiple trips home, sometimes in the middle of the day, and she was about to lose her job over this. No therapy was working, her medications weren't working, coping techniques weren't working. Nothing could calm this woman.

Then she saw my professor. And my professor told her to
Spoiler:
bring her curling iron in the car with her.
Spoiler:
So if she got nervous that it was still plugged in, she could look over and see that it was next to her.
Is the joke that because she has OCD, she wouldn't do the first spoiler punch line?
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  #4339  
Old 09-07-2017, 10:31 PM
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i'm going to start bringing my stove in the car with me
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  #4340  
Old 09-08-2017, 03:46 AM
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Default An opportunity for three more I********* P*****.

An Irish man frees a genie and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So poof a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

_____

An Irishman is pulled from a bar in blazes, covered in soot and ash. The firemen shake him awake.

"What happened?! How did the fire start?!"

The Irishman shrugs and says, "Beats me. It was already on fire when I got here."

______

Paddy worked at the Guinness factory for many years. One day he died while at work. They went to inform his wife who asked "was it quick, at least? I hope he didn't suffer." His coworker said "no, he drown in the vat, and got out three times to pee before he went under for the last time. "
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EB's rules for AO political: 1. A responder who replies "who cares?", cares deeply. 1a. a responder who replies LMAO, or similar, agrees with me. 2. It's always funnier when EB says it. - Lucy (Whomever she was) 3. Don't assume I'm trying to convince you, or indeed, any Hillary or Bernie supporter. 4. If my posts are so blatantly wrong, why are you so insistent in following me? I'll not take you home! 5. I'm not happy until you're not happy. 6. "You sir are no racist. You seem to condescend to everyone equally. I salute you." - Rain in Africa.

"If you're not annoying somebody, you're not really alive." -- Margaret Atwood
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