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  #4371  
Old 12-20-2017, 10:23 AM
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ronaldy27 ronaldy27 is offline
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Not really meant to be a joke but this accountant where I work came to me and when he found out that I was an actuary, he was like, "you're going to earn a lot of money. You will reach $400k soon. Just pass all the exams. The first 6 are easy, you only need 8 months to get through those 6."

Those were his exact words and numbers.

Really shows how little people know about this profession. They just think we earn like doctors and we are completely irreplaceable.
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  #4372  
Old 12-20-2017, 04:45 PM
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Spoiler:

Actually, I live fairly close to this house. It does exist!
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  #4373  
Old 01-15-2018, 08:38 AM
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There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.

He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.

This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.

Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.

After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.

The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.

The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.

“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”

Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”

Spoiler:
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”
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  #4374  
Old 01-15-2018, 09:14 AM
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Misspellings and needless length kind of ruin that one.
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There is no dark side of the moon, really...
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  #4375  
Old 01-15-2018, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGillotine View Post
Misspellings and needless length kind of ruin that one.
Needless length is kind of an important part of a shaggy dog story.
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  #4376  
Old 02-28-2018, 10:26 AM
Actuary321 Actuary321 is offline
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.



Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
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  #4377  
Old 02-28-2018, 11:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Actuary321 View Post
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.



Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Telling jokes like that pays dividends.
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  #4378  
Old 02-28-2018, 11:13 AM
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Saw these kind of nerdy "walks into a bar" jokes on FB:

https://www.gransnet.com/forums/peda...lks-into-a-bar

Best part was a haughty comment on this one:

Quote:
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
A lady commented with something along these lines
Quote:
Yuk. It's for all intents and purposes. How stupid!
And, yes, she got ripped for it.

Others (some are decent; some are pretty lame - bolding my favorites):
Quote:
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
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Last edited by Chief Petosky; 02-28-2018 at 11:18 AM..
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  #4379  
Old 02-28-2018, 11:22 AM
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Vorian Atreides Vorian Atreides is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chief Petosky View Post
Telling jokes like that gives dividends.
IFYR
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  #4380  
Old 03-01-2018, 01:44 PM
Actuary321 Actuary321 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chief Petosky View Post
Telling jokes like that pays dividends.
I was actually trying to make a list. But this thread is probably excluded from the possibility.
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