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  #4391  
Old 04-02-2018, 11:10 PM
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Breadmaker Breadmaker is offline
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A man walked into an insurance office and asked two senior executives for a job.
“We’re not taking on new staff,” they said.
“But you can’t afford to be without me,” insisted the man. “I can sell insurance to anybody, anywhere, anytime.”
“Okay,” they said. “Prove it. There are two prospective clients who have resisted all our attempts to sell them a policy. If you can sell to just one of them, you’re hired.”
The guy was gone for around two hours, but when he returned he handed over two cheques – one for a $75,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you manage that?” asked the executives.
“I told you: I’m the world’s best insurance salesman.”
“There’s just one thing,” they said. “Did you get a urine sample?”
“Why?”
“It’s company practice that if you sell a policy over $40,000, you have to get a urine sample from the customer. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
The guy was gone for four hours before he returned carrying two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He put down the buckets, reached inside his jacket and produced two bottles of urine. He said: “This one is Mr Brown’s and this one is Mr Smith’s.”
“Very good,” said the executives, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

Spoiler:
“Oh, I passed by the schoolhouse and they were having a state teachers’ convention, so I sold them a group policy.”

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  #4392  
Old 04-03-2018, 12:42 PM
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Len Myers Len Myers is offline
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good, is boring, real good is always new, marvellous, intoxicating." -- Simone Weil
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  #4393  
Old 04-03-2018, 12:58 PM
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A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
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Steve Jobs and I talked about how we wanted to make blind people as equal and capable as sighted people, and you'd have to say we succeeded when you look at all the people walking down the sidewalk looking down at something in their hands and totally oblivious to everything around them! -- Steve Wozniak

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good, is boring, real good is always new, marvellous, intoxicating." -- Simone Weil
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  #4394  
Old 04-03-2018, 09:52 PM
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The Wizard of Awe The Wizard of Awe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Len Myers View Post
A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
I really liked this one.
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  #4395  
Old 04-07-2018, 09:42 PM
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Len Myers Len Myers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Wizard of Awe View Post
I really liked this one.
TY, and I like knowing that others like these little posts.
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Steve Jobs and I talked about how we wanted to make blind people as equal and capable as sighted people, and you'd have to say we succeeded when you look at all the people walking down the sidewalk looking down at something in their hands and totally oblivious to everything around them! -- Steve Wozniak

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good, is boring, real good is always new, marvellous, intoxicating." -- Simone Weil
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  #4396  
Old 04-07-2018, 09:44 PM
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Len Myers Len Myers is offline
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Default Not exactly a joke joke, but it's almost one...

My husband and I both suffer from PTHSCD (post-traumatic huge ship collision disorder) which we acquired while piloting our own huge ship. I remember it like it was yesterday -- we were carrying over 3 million gallons of blue paint to Morocco when, wouldn't you know it, we collided with our competitors. They had about 4 million gallons of red-brown on board, and before we knew it, we were all marooned.
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Steve Jobs and I talked about how we wanted to make blind people as equal and capable as sighted people, and you'd have to say we succeeded when you look at all the people walking down the sidewalk looking down at something in their hands and totally oblivious to everything around them! -- Steve Wozniak

"Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good, is boring, real good is always new, marvellous, intoxicating." -- Simone Weil
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  #4397  
Old 04-09-2018, 08:22 AM
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Chief Petosky Chief Petosky is offline
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I once collided with a truck carrying tennis ball dye to the factory. Now my car is yellow.

Spoiler:
The rest of my family thinks it's green, though
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  #4398  
Old 04-09-2018, 08:31 AM
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Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot Cross Bunnies
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  #4399  
Old 04-09-2018, 09:06 AM
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On a cold winter morning, wife texts husband: "WINDOWS FROZEN, WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back: "POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP
GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER"



Five minutes later wife texts husband: "COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW"
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  #4400  
Old 04-09-2018, 09:07 AM
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My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”

I said, “Go on, then.”

He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

I said, “That’s Superman!"

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Sorry, I know the thread title is "good" jokes, but I :ctm:
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